Well, tough shit. Resolutions are for wusses. Resolutions are excuses for people to say they want to turn their life around, to stop laying on the couch, eating chocolate and feeling sorry for themselves. THIS is the YEAR. I'm going to climb MOUNT EVEREST. I'm going to win the PULITZER PRIZE. I'm going to LOSE half my body weight and RUN with the KENYANS in the BOSTON MARATHON.
So the first week of January, and the second, and maybe the third, Resolutioners hit the gym, HARDCORE. They go to YOGA. They eat HEALTHY THINGS. They are so changed!!!! Halleluja! The new year has saved them from themselves!
Cut to February 14. Everyone's back to being their miserable selves, eating bon bons they bought for themselves while sitting on the couch watching The Notebook and crying because 1.) they're alone and 2.) it sucks to get old and lose your memory like Ally from the movie.
Ok, fine. Maybe this isn't everyone. Maybe it's only me. SO SUE ME. Can you blame me for feeling this way? Resolutions are so bogus. If you actually wanted to change your life, you shouldn't have to wait for a new year to do so. You would start right this SECOND if you really meant to keep the promise to yourself.
The first time I realized making a resolution on New Years was a futile endeavor was the January that I was in the 7th grade. You see, because kids (read: girls) were so vicious where I went to middle school, the brilliant administration decided that they would assign seats at lunchtime. Boys and girls did not sit together, but someone failed to alert the principal of the particularities of the social cliques, because I, the tall porker with braces and hairsprayed hair and always the wrong shoes and clothes, was seated with three of the most popular girls in my grade, and for New Years, they all decided they needed to lose 15 pounds each. None of these girls needed to lose weight. Their inspiration was fellow classmate Chelsea, who had taken off 25 pounds the previous summer. "I'm back in a kids 12 now!" She crowed happily when she visited our table at lunchtime. So come January, everyone wanted to be skinny, skinny, skinny, and the only way for the 7th graders to get there was starvation. The girls looked at me incredulously when I pulled out my made-with-love-by-mom bologna&cheese-on-a-bulkie-roll sandwiches, complete with a baggie of chips and three chocolate chip cookies for dessert. For a whole week they ate nothing at lunch until the very end, when Queen Bee (not her real name) would get up and buy a snickers ice cream bar. "I'm trying to lose 10 pounds" was her mantra. So they could only get there using starvation and, apparently, ice cream bars. What a joke.
-Drink less. And by less, I mean more.
-Eat healthy. And by healthy, I mean become anorexic, except when you're drunk at 3 AM and want pizza and/or a hot dog from a street cart. Go ahead, you deserve it!
-Become a better person. And by a better person, I mean become better in bed.
-Make more money. And by make more money, I mean start selling your ADD meds on college campuses. And if that dries up, you can always put yourself on sitter-city. And if that dries up, I heard today that Dollar Tree is adding thousands of jobs at hundreds of new locations! What exciting opportunities!
-Read more. And by read more, I mean trashy magazines that cater only to people who care about the latest celebrity to go to rehab, which obviously is EVERYONE!
Happy 2011 everyone! Only one more year until the apocalypse! Maybe my resolution next year will be to build a bomb shelter in a remote Canadian Hamlet. Better bring my warmest winter jacket!