Saturday, January 22, 2011

how to make the workplace more like college

Picture yourself here: it's Friday afternoon, and your ass is dragging. You're sitting in your cubicle and staring into your computer screen willing yourself to stay awake. Just...two...more...hours....and then....another....half hour....and you can leave...and you sigh heavily, hovering between a state of mind numbing boredom and complete exhaustion (because that brownie-and-Jersey-Shore/American-Idol-binge really did a number on you last night). You think, how did this happen to me? Just a short six months ago, I was young and virile, in my prime. I had tons of friends, too many friends, hours to do whatever it was I pleased. Just a year ago, Friday afternoon was snacks and a movie time, a rehashing of what happened on Thirsty Thursday at your favorite local bar and not working on your school assignments for the following week.

Alas, those days, my friends, are gone from us, never to return. But there is hope yet! The revolution has begun! You can be the next one to: BRING COLLEGE TO THE WORKPLACE! Yes, college to the workplace. Everyone, EVERYONE talks about college as being the best time of their lives. Even those folks who didn't go to college. So what better, you young virile excitable college grad, than to introduce fun  and procrastination back into the lives of all these corporate grunts?

Here, ladies and gents, I present to you, a list of HOW TO MAKE THE WORKPLACE MORE LIKE COLLEGE. Guaranteed to bring everyone closer together and back to their pre 23 year old selves.*

1. Host coffee chugging contests with the guys from I.T. Why? Because the I.T. guys are the exceedingly nerdy ones from high school that were never really able to break that mold in college, even if they were in the coolest frat at MIT (and most of the time they weren't). That said, they still learned how to hold their liquor with the best of 'em, and they will be the most game to relive their "glory days," as they have stayed pretty nerdy in life beyond college. Plus, chugging mere coffee ensures that you won't be intoxicated. Unless, of course, you spike the coffee with Bailey's. Or Jim Beam.

2. Have an impromptu dance party (DP) with the gals in marketing and customer relations. Chances are, if these girls are into things like marketing, PR, and customer relations, it means they were pretty social in college. They probably have totally awesome DP playlists on their ipods, too, because, you know, their jobs are so uber creative. Who knows, maybe you'll get some peeps that are down to party to dance on the tables in the kitchen.

3. Create a facebook group for office gossip and start spreadin' the good news, anonymously of course. Nothing bonds people over mutual hatred for the same sluts.

4. Bring back your naive idealisms. Remember when you were going to save the world? Help people? Remember when you didn't care about money because you didn't have bills to pay yet? Hold impromptu kumbaya sessions and talk about how unfair the world is, but offer no solutions. Then everyone can pat each other on the back and say how every little bit counts. Then, reconvene in the mailroom to do keg stands.

5. The most important tip of all: procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate. #1 rule in college is the #1 rule in life. The less you do which you are obligated to do, the more fun that is had by all.

So there you have it, my fine people. Take this out into the world. Add to it, let the revolution EXPAND. COLLEGE! COLLEGE! COLLEGE! COLLEGE!

*not guaranteed to help you keep your job, if that's your ultimate goal.


  1. It sounds like you've tried this. I LIKE!

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