Graduation Blues

For me, college will be over in a mere month and a half. It's something that is difficult to process. I'm excited to start a new chapter in my life, but what am I going to do without random Hogan sits and rugby practice and ski team and dorm life and parties in shitty houses on Caro street and my best best best friends? Since HC is a more regional school, chances are most of my friends will be concentrated in the Boston, New York, and DC metropolis, at least for the first couple of years. This, I am thankful for--a few of my cousins went to Brown and their friends are scattered across the globe.

But my whole musing, at this point, is about where I'm going to go come October. Yes, I'll wait tables out on the Vineyard (because I'm broke, and really, come on, who can resist?) until a few weeks after Labor Day. But then what? Should I move home and try to work in Boston? Should I move to New York, an unfamiliar city which might eat me and spit me back out? Should I look for permanent or temporary? What if I hate my job?

Until now, we have been conditioned to think in four year increments. Four years of elementary, middle, and high school, four years of college. Everything is temporary, a stepping stone until the next thing. Faced with the reality of forever is daunting. In September I will not return to school for the first time in 22 years of living. There will be no need for new notebooks and pens, no textbooks, no new classes. It's refreshing, really, but refreshing doesn't make it less painful. I find myself unable to make a decision about my future beyond this summer. Yes, I want to go to New York, but what will I be able to afford? Where do I want to get a job? Who will care a lick about my resume, my writing, me, at least enough to hire me? Will I want to work for them?

I find myself envious of people that have set plans: law school, med school, Teach for America, Jesuit Volunteer Corps. Sometimes I feel like all the work I've ever done hasn't amounted to anything. I guess I just have a lot of thinking to do.

I don't mean to be so gloomy about it. I'm not afraid of change, and in fact I'm excited to start another chapter in my life. I'm excited about the people I'm going to meet, and the people I'm going to keep in my life.