Rom-Com v. Real Life

I'm sure it doesn't come as a shock to you that I really don't care for Romantic Comedies. I prefer serious movies--the darker the better, extra points for things like unhappy endings, deaths of children or lovers, brooding protagonists, and couples that don't end up together. Extra credit for subtitles, but only because the foreign films that make it to the U.S. are typically the cream of the crop in their native countries.

That said, I'll indulge in the occasional romp with a Rom Com. They can be funny after all, and sometimes it is nice to escape into a world where everyone's beautiful and the girl always gets the guy (or whatever). But honestly, people. The plots of these movies are absolutely ridiculous. So ridiculous that I'm going to tell you how each particular situation would end up in real life.

Say Anything
Guy falls head over heels for nerdy high school classmate the summer after graduation. It's the usual sweet little courtship: he walks her home from parties, teaches her how to drive stick shift. They have SEX. She tells her DAD. The whole thing is AWKWARD. She gives him a pen and then breaks up with him...she feels bad she's neglecting her dad. He does everything to win her back, including holding a boombox over his head under her window: in your eyes, the light the heat...
Movie outcome: After much persistence, nerdy girl FINALLY gives in and they go to England together.
Real life outcome: Guy never tries to get back with her. Broke up with him for her dad? That's just creepy.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
A spunky gal who writes a cheeky column for a popular women's magazine in  New York City (she's obviously wayyy above this job--having gotten her PHD or some shit in journalism from Columbia) must find a guy and drive him away in 10 days for her next article, aptly titled "How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days", to point out to women in her spunky, cheeky way everything they're doing wrong with men. She meets a RULLY hot guy who, of course, works for an advertising agency. He appears to be completely smitten while she turns on her undeniable wit and charm, and then she proceeds to torture him by acting completely insane (i.e. pretending to be vegetarian and accusing him of thinking she's fat in public, redecorating his apartment, making him miss the final seconds of the HUGE basketball game they attend by begging him to buy her a soda, making friends with his mom). Little does she know, he's been dared to woo her by his devious, pseudo-lesbian power chick co-workers in a contest to land a big diamond account for their ad agency. LAUGHTER and HILARITY ensue, until they both find out they've been tricking each other the whole time. Both are super pissed, though she would forgive him if opportunity knocked.
Movie outcome: Dude: "I don't care that you drove me nuts for almost two weeks, you are also crazy hot and we had sex at my parent's house in the shower. I love you. Let's be together forever."
Real life outcome: Dude:"Wow. You are bat shit crazy. Bye."

Serendipity
Two people have a chance encounter at a department store at Christmastime. They're super into each other and go out for ice cream. Then they meet by chance again and go ice skating. They're really into each other. But at the end of the night, the girl decides to test fate by believing if they are meant to be together, then fate will bring them back together. They write their phone numbers on random objects: a 5 dollar bill and a book, just to see if they might find them again.
Movie outcome: A complicated series of events take place, and miracle of miracles, they find each other again 7 years later and live happily ever after.
Real life outcome: They never see each other again. There are 6 billion people in the world people, COME ON. There are a million people alone in Manhattan. These two people lost their chances the second they thought a fucking 5 dollar bill with a phone number would make it back to one of them. Besides, most people use plastic anyway.

She's the Man
Girl LOVES SOCCER, but her school just cut the women's soccer program (hi, title IX? that would have solved this movie's problems from the get-go). She dresses up as her brother who, incidentally, is skipping his first year at boarding school to go be in a rock band in England, and tries out for the soccer team. She ends up falling for her RULLY HOT roommate who is also on the soccer team, but he can't tell that she's really a girl. Hilarity, including  a crotch-shot gag, ensues.
Movie outcome: RULLY HOT roommate decides he's in love with her back when it's unveiled that she's actually a girl and not a boy.
Real life outcome: RULLY HOT roommate is really, really weirded out and will probably need therapy for the rest of his life and become irrationally uber masculine for kind of feeling sexually attracted to his roommate who he thought was a guy but was actually a girl.

Sweet Home Alabama
Cute southern gal turned chic NYC fashion designer his proposed to by her super hot, super successful boyfriend: he takes her to Tiffany and lets he pick out whatever she wants. She, elated, says YES YES OOOOH YES!, but has to fly back to her hometown in Alabama 'cause she's got some MAJOR skeletons in her closet. Like, she's still legally married to her high school sweet heart--he's been returning the divorce papers unsigned for 7 years (side note: there has to be some legal stipulation that you can still get divorced with only one partie's signature, right?). Turns out, she still has some feelings for Mr. Wrong. WHO WILL SHE CHOOSE?
Movie outcome: Mr. Wrong ends up being Mr. Right, and they live happily ever after in the back woods of Alabama with their shotguns, hunting dogs, and civil war reenactments.
Real life outcome: Mr. Wrong and Southern Gal have already been divorced for 7 years at the plot's beginning. Southern Gal marries Mr. Right, then divorces him and collects a verrry pretty alimony for the next three decades. Score!


disclaimer: I actually really liked all of these movies. Except for Serendipity. That one really sucked.