why I don't date

I read a bunch of blogs that girls write about their various relationships--dating, one night stands, flash-in-the-pan boyfriends, longtime boyfriends, and right on up to the mommy blogs with husbands galore. I, on the other hand, am that single girl. You know, perpetually so, never even has "a guy I'm kind of seeing and like to go home with on weekends." I mean, whatever, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I like having my bed to myself. What? I'm a mattress hog. Seriously.

I did get to thinking the other day, though, about how I became this way. I did have a serious boyfriend back in the day (in high school), but the thought of it now seems so silly and immaterial I could laugh. But back then, I was the other girl. The one with the boyfriend. Funny thing is, as much as I would like to be in a relationship, or be in love, I can't even imagine what that might be like anymore. Really. What's it like to be in love? My high school boyfriend and I would talk on the phone for hours, especially when I went away to college (he stayed home). It baffles me now. What did we TALK about? How was it possible I found anyone that interesting, or anyone found me that interesting? Anyway, it didn't really matter. We broke up and then three weeks later he was in love again...with someone else. AIN'T LOVE GRAND. It's different now, I'm bored by everyone so much faster, it takes way more to have those obsessive feelings that were so commonplace as a teenager. In fact, there are very few men I meet that I could actually see myself with.

Despite this, I've come to find that there are a few distinct groups of men that I'm attracted to (i.e. find interesting enough):

1. Out-of-my-league guy: you know the one. Sexy. Tall. Downright dreamy. On top of that, he's super sweet, loves his momma, has a high paying job, and is SOMEHOW, for some unfathomable reason, SINGLE. That's right, baby, this guy is so good that he's really sticking out for the one. Oh, Mr. Out-of-my-league, you've been waiting for me all along haven't you? And that's where you get snagged. He's out of your league for a reason. He's waiting for the girl that's just like him: sweet, pearl-wearing, marathon running, doesn't fart or burp, calls her father daddy, and probably works at a bank or some other cash cow job. She's got sweet little features, will fit so nicely next to him. Too late, you've already put him on a pedestal, picture yourself moving around the country for him, having a mess of kids and growing old. It takes awhile to realize he'll never be interested in you.

2. Out-of-town guy: you know the one. Really cool and funky, maybe has an ear pierced or dreadlocks (which might be bad on someone else, but so good on him). He's world conscious, wants to see everything, has got a little wanderlust. He's got a great body and a lovely pair of eyes to match. You don't really notice his appeal at first, but it grows on you, and then one day it hits you in the face: he is gorgeous and you would do anything to be with him. Maybe he's a college friend, or a guy you've made friends with over your summer job. No matter, that wanderlust will totally get in the way. Next thing you know, he's moved to Texas. Or California. Or Australia. Or Patagonia. It doesn't matter where, but it never includes you. You would be together but, oh the distance. Poo.

3. You're-really-cool-but-I-have-a-girlfriend guy: you know the one. You get along great. You joke and laugh. He thinks you're a "cool girl". You could talk to him over cereal in the cafeteria for hours, staring into his dark brown eyes. Your heart beats faster when he comes into the room. And then his girlfriend walks in behind him. You wonder: is he flirting with me, or just being nice? If he didn't have this girlfriend, would he be interested in me? Is he interested in me already, but can't do anything, because of his girlfriend? The answer, you eventually learn, is always no. If he didn't want to be with his girlfriend, and wanted to be with you, he would do it already. He is just being nice, and if you take it the wrong way, it gives him the perfect opportunity to take advantage. While not all guys will, some will, and it never ends nicely for anyone. Especially if you're the slut he cheats with.

Maybe someday I'll find someone worth the trouble, someone who will stay interested in me (because, let's face it, I have to be found interesting, too). There's a lid for every pot. I hope.