Wednesday, July 28, 2010

adventures in waiting tables

Some people have not a clue how to behave in a restaurant. In fact, because I wait tables I have discovered these inevitable truths about the suckiness of the human race. This is just an example of how one table in a given night might go. Highlights include: lack of manners, interruptions, lack of reading the menu or listening, and expectations that are too high. Some people have no manners. Some people love to interrupt. They love to keep their waitress at the table while they discuss what they want, as if I don't have five other things to do other than stand there and wait.

Me: "Hello everyone, my name is Ste--"
Man: "yeah we're going to need a pizza." (looks at me expectantly)
Me: "Ok, what kind of pizza?"
Man: (To wife) "what do you want?"
(wife shrugs)
Man: (to kids) "what do you guys want?"
(kids shrug)
Boy: "ROOT BEER!!!"
Me: We don't have root beer. We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, orange, ginger ale, lemonade, iced tea.
Boy: (looking like I kicked his puppy) "ummmm...." (looks at mom for approval) "orange."
(family continues to look at menu)
Me: "Can I get anyone else something to drink, or can I give you a minute to look at the menu?"
Man: "No, no! We know what we want!" (looks at wife)
Woman:(to husband) "Go ahead."
Man: "Ok we'll have a pepperoni pie--is that ok with you guys?"
Girl: "I want cheese!"
Man: "Ok can we have a quarter be cheese?"
Me: "No, we can only do halves."
Man: (sighs heavily) "Ok, forget the pepperoni." (closes menu with finality)
Me: "Ok, can I get everyone something to drink?"
Man: "Root beer."
Me: "we don't have root beer. We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, orange, ginger ale, lemonade, iced tea."
Man: (sighs again). "Fine. Water."
Me: (looking at woman and daughter) "can i get you anything to drink?"
Woman: (with disdain and incredulity) "Water. Extra lemons."
Girl: "Root beer."
Me: "We don't have root beer."
Girl: "What do you have?"
Me: (losing patience) Coke, Diet, Sprite, orange, ginger ale, lemonade, iced tea.
Girl: "Do you have Shirley Temples?"
Me: "Sure."
Girl: "Extra cherries. No ice."
(i begin to collect menus. wife keeps reading hers)
Me: "Can I collect everyone's menus?"
Woman: "Oh. Here."
Man: "Oh! we need salad too. (to wife) You want salad?"
(Woman shakes head no)
Man: "I want a small side salad. With ranch."
Me: "We don't have ranch we--"
Man: "thousand island."
Me: "We don't have thousand island. We have homemade italian, bleu cheese, honey mustard, raspberry vinaigrette, parmesan peppercorn."
Man: (contemplating) "Uhhmm, bleu cheese. On the side."


  1. did that exact convo go down???????

    people are animals.

  2. LOL! My son is a waiter at California Pizza Kitchen and each week I get similar stories of rude, hostile, stupid and incredibly cheap people (sometimes all at once) so to help balance the scales the wife and I have nothing but respect for our servers and always leave a huge tip. It doesn't make up for the a-holes, but at least it shows that we're not all as inconsiderate as some obviously are. Good one!

  3. that sounds incredibly annoying!! i worked in a mellow mushroom @ one point...and i know the drill!! good luck!

  4. tine-- a version of this conversation goes down daily.

    tgoette-- the world needs more people like you.

  5. umm do u have roy rogers?

    what about arnold palmers?

    ok so ill have a fruit punch?

    ...its pink lemonade

    you have lemonade?

    no we have pink lemonade, thats what the Hi-C is...

    oh, well ill have a celtzer water with lemon and a lime please


  6. Revisiting this post after your newest. It still cracks me up. SO true.