The Duggars

If there is one reality TV family that I simply cannot stand, it is the Duggar clan. Never mind the superficial Kardashians, the fame-obsessed, warring Jon and Kate Gosselins, or even the pathetic Lamas family (I mean, what are they even famous for? I watched approximately half of one episode and my IQ dropped significantly). The Duggars take the cake. People love to watch them for their conservative Christian values, their seemingly endless happiness, and their aaa-dorable kids who all have names that start with the letter J (patriarchic enough? You can’t tell me that the whole J thing didn’t happen because the dad’s name is Jim-Bob). But these are precisely the things that freak me out about the Duggars. First of all, what woman in her right mind would want to be pregnant for the better part of two decades and give birth to 18 children in 16 pregnancies? Michelle’s vajayjay (and uterus, if she has had c-sections) must be completely wrecked. Talk about stretch marks! How do Michelle and Jim-Bob even have sex? It must be the epitome of throwing a hot dog down a hallway. But forget about those logistics (because obviously they have it pretty figured out), how does a parent of 18 know any of their children intimately? It’s basically the older ones raising the younger ones. Michelle doesn’t have time, I’m sure, to care for them all herself, though she creepily makes it seem like it’s no big deal. That serene look on her face sends shivers down my spine. She doesn’t have an opinion that’s her own (just watch the show closely— everything between Michelle and Jim-Bob is ’we,’ but Jim-Bob does most of the talking). He comes off as handsome and kind, the kind of father everyone wants. But the girls are mandated to wear their hair long and wear high collared dresses, and I never see him playing ball with his boys, but rather they do ’activities ’ that seemingly only include chores. On the episode of Say Yes to the Dress that featured the Duggars, Michelle was not allowed to wear a strapless gown, she ’needed’ (granted, her words) to wear something that covered her chest up to her neck and covered her shoulders.

This is the sick display of Jim-Bob Duggar knocking up his wife as many times as possible and teaching his kids that it’s God’s will that they do the same. You know what’s going to happen? Middle America, evangelical and God-fearing, will simply keep reproducing without restraint until they choke out people who actually have a conscience about what they can afford (without the help of TLC) and their impact on this Earth. There was one episode I happened to watch where the Duggars were visited by another family who happen to also have an exurbanite amount of children. One of the teenage sons of the other large family told the camera (forgive me for paraphrasing) that he would love to have just as many children as his parents. Sounds to me like he just wants to prove his manhood. If this is America’s future, I’m frightened. Even Europeans are fascinated: in another episode, the family is followed by a French camera crew filming for a documentary. One of the Duggar girls mused that maybe people in France wanted to have extremely large families as well, and wanted to see how it was done. The filmmaker, however, commented that something like this could ’only happen in America’ and that Europeans would be fascinated. Basically he was saying that the Duggars were a spectacle to behold. I can only hope that the rest of the world knows that not all of America is as warped as the Duggars.

Oh and, btw, Michelle’s preggers again. Number nineteen.

I’ll end with my favorite Jim-Bob-ism (and again, forgive me for paraphrasing): ’Kids that are homeschooled actually have more of an opportunity to meet other kids their age, because we go to things like homeschool conferences a few times a year. ’ Of course! I forgot that kids that actually GO TO SCHOOL never have friends outside of their siblings. Keep taking your happy pills, Jim-Bob.